VANITY...NO MORE INSANITY ?

So , I was reading one of these self “help” books recently

*yes , I am that jobless *

And it suddenly struck me … There has been a total reversal .

Remember the good old days . When we were all taught to be ‘humble’ and ‘simple’ ( read …more like ‘drab’ ) …and don’t blow your trumpet .

Going to the beauty saloon was reserved only for marriages ( or when the ‘ladka’ family came to see you ) .Waxing and threading were UNHEARD of ( yes , I can hear the girls gasping ) and the best suit you had was a ‘chikan’ cloth bought from Aminabad and stitched by your neighbour hood tailor .

( “habib’s “ would probably make you think of a biryani or kebab shop )

The maximum ‘fasssion’ guys could do was a bell-bottoms pant and some ‘more than 300’ shirt . And you went to the barber at the corner of your street and sat their obediently while he chopped off you locks into same old ‘katora’ cut .

And beauty saloon for guy ??? ( dood …the effect that would have on the ‘mardangi’ ! )

Well , to make a long story short …this was the India in which out parents grew up in .

And look around yourself now …it’s a different WORLD out there .

People are flashy , they love maintaining themselves . We spend loads on looking good ,eating good , we have a definite PAGE3 in every paper ( even the Hindu … wo ! )

I-phones and blackberrys are as rampant as Mercedes and Gucci !

And I ask myself , is all this good ?

Now ,  I am noone to decide …but what I did read was that that it’s all about ‘feeling good’ these days . The more happier and comfortable you feel with yourself , the more HAPPY signals you send into the universe …and the more you get back .

So , all in all …if you go to a beauty saloon ..get all those thigns ( I would rather not go into the details ) done on you . come back ..look into the mirror and say “Wo ! I am sexy”

Then be it ….it’s good for you

If wearing branded clothes makes you feel ‘dhinchak’ ( no matter how it makes you bf feel , the one who’s paying the bill ) go ahead and buy it !

Grooming yourself and declaring yourself are no sins anymore .

We live in a flashy world ….TV channels and mobiles are changed faster than ever . You need to stand out and blow you orchestra before you get blown away .

So….the question is open ladies and gentlemen …is Vanity still considered insanity ?

the great indian idiot box...

So , it’s been 3 days since I placed my gluteus maximus deep into the bed , covered myself in a cocoon of rajai and grabbed my weapon in my hands … shaking it , jerking it till the …channels started moving on the tv .

( yes , you perverts .I meant the remote … be normal sometimes at least )

I thought I’ve had enough of Amrikkan TV shows in hostel …let’s tune in to our desi sexiness ;-)

I was a lil’ disappointed … it’s all not so happening right now .

For one , Rakhi is missing …damn ! it’s like going to a movie show without popcorns .

Trust me , once you’ve seen ms.Sawant at her best…the rest of the tv world seems like Asharam bapu’s pravachan  ( mind u…not baba ramdev’s pravachan though . That dood is like our very own MJ )

For another , all the soaps are so difficult to follow . The one or two which I did get hooked on to during the summers … well , they all got fitted with a time machine .

You know the same old deal …daughters , sons , grand-children have been born . Dead people have come back .  The two sisters who were cute lil’ kiddos when I left are now full blown bimbos fighting for the same guy .

The dad and the son are of the same age ….blah blah …thanks to Ekta Kapoor our sitcoms have taken the courage to defy ageing process and death ( not to mention the normal bitchiness levels) so vehemently  .. I bet they’ll be giving competition to Rajni In the near future :-D

Big Boss rules the roost man ! Thanks to Dolly Bindra … and is it just me or is Venna mallik actually hot ?

The news channels are still the same … The ‘sansani’ guy still displaying his charms .

But you gota watch this ‘shani baba’ …I think on star news ( I wonder if they should change the term news to ‘FANTASY’ ? ) .

Dressed in black and the huge beard …with those theretical mannerisms . He’s like our own slimmer Indian version of Hagrid .

Let’s not even get started on the ‘CARTOON’ channels … ting puny …balls popping ( eye balls I mean ) … chinkies running around everywhere . I swear this is Japan’s new method of taking over the world !

Aaaaaaaaaaaand …. ‘power rangers’ . Lord save us ! Where are good old Uncle Scrooge , Dexter , Balu , Flinstones and He-Man ! ?!

So , I was stuck with angerji channels all over again .. *sigh*

It’s the same thing actually …. From ‘dancing with the stars’ to ‘millionaire’ to ‘5th grader’ . You might as well watch the original guys …

( and SERIOSULY ! get some creativity of your own…TV people )

Oh , btw …anyone wana file in nomination for ‘rakhi ka swayamvar – part II ‘ ? ;-)

FACES ON FACEBOOK...

Faces on facebook I see

Shinning , glittering , smiling

All look a bit dazed , unreal

As if the smiles are unwilling

Such a fantasy land , this facebook

A projection …of what we desire

Of what we want others to see

Suddenly ..it’s sexy to be a liar

So many faces…long since forgotten

Pop up suddenly ..and I stare

Smile if I remember something silly

Smirk I don’t really care

Strange…a world of personal pages

All false ,made up…ah ! decorated

And yet we cling to it tightly

Loving what we have created …

You ask …why is it do “in” ?

B’coz it represents everything around

All around…dazzle , achievements , pride

Inside ,Our inner selves chained to the ground

Live , be false , project your ‘image’ around

For all you know..it’ll make you feel good

Our inner selves too delicate ,too fragile

To be taken out from under the hood !

the sheer genius of 'HARRY POTTER' !

From a potter maniac , “wooooooohooooooo” . Three cheers for Mrs.Rowling !

So , I gave my already paralyzed exam schedule a nice kick for an evening and went of for “deathly hallows-I” .Ah …the time of the year when a new movie comes out and all the old Potter fans revere up and you know …you can feel the potter mania in the air..on the fone..on fb…basically , everywhere in the nooks n corners of the muggle world

And trust me …the movie is TOTALLY worth it . Thanks to the genius decision of dividing it into two parts , they have gone into tiny little details this time . And the acting….marvellous . Everyone seems to have grown into their character .

From harry potter to Umbridge , Voldermort and Luna . They play their parts to the hilt !

It’s dark…funny …senti… and just keeps you on the edge of your seat ..clapping , whistling , hooting ( or like me….reciting the dialogues before they are said ;-) )

  So , once again …the major question ..what is there in HP that keeps people so hooked to it ???

First , they connect …it’s everyone’s dream fantasy to have a superpower . And on some basic level , you feel attached to harry … so “muggle” for 11 years and then suddenly thrown into this tumbledown world ….we grow up with him . He’s not like your SUPERHERO ( the deadly quiet all powerful romantic muscular vampire…gimme a break ! ) . He’s an average guy like us … not always confident …needs help …feels jealous…uses luck .. needs a lot of friends around … oh ! cumon …he is what 90% of us are in our lives , we just want him to overcome all that n emerge a winner !

Second , the GENIUS of mrs.Rowling . I wouldn’t be surprised if years later , they rate HP as a piece of literature . She weaves through ideals like friendship , love , trust , bravery …and takes us down the dark alleys of jealousy , loneliness , power  , betrayl .

And it’s all there ..blended so perfectly in the story . you identify with all that because you have gone through it all at some point or the other !

Third , the characters ! From the tiniest little character to the big heroes…she has put such effort into them ! you can see and relate to them … all of us have  friends like Neville , Hermione , Ron , Luna ..even Draco !

You have seen Snapes , umbridges , Dumbledores , mc’gonallas somewhere or the other . They are all everyday people ….their characters ( good n bad ) match with the people around us . they are not your regular fairytale weirdos . on some level , you know you have encountered them somewhere in your life ..

Ah ! and so goes the story ..I feel a little sad when I think it’s ended . But on the other end , who says it has ??

Picking up an old book and reading your favourite part again n again …..no pleasure like it :-)

 Ps – out of respect for mrs.rowling I’ve tried to refrain from tearing apart some other sagas going around these days ! we’ll come to that later …I promise . time to diapparate back into books ;-)

The black cape ....

A figure in black I see

Following me around

Creeping behind me stealthily

Silence , his only sound …

His black cape swirling as he walks

Eyes draped behind masks

Ever gracious , swift and courteous

Like the evil In which he basks

A flash of red as he’ll dance

Prancing gleefully , ever slick

As I scream , bellow , shout

He considers it his music

A stab of jealousy I feel

Over issues trivial and small

And the green glint appears

As he smiles standing tall

Lust , I feel , pulsating within

My fantasies covering my eyes with drape

He’ll be sitting staring silently

The purple passion colouring the cape

Greed , he’ll smell , sitting on guard

Silent , watchful , cunning

Me ego sometimes swells his chest

Hunger  sends his saliva dripping

I tried catching him for years

And one day , defeated and lost , sat still

Tired of probing ,blaming others ….

When I saw a cape bellowing behind my pupil

our hindi "picturein..."

The most difficult task in the world ?

Make a list of Indian movies WITHOUT a love story …

Cumon ! It’s been more than 60 years …we are the BIGGEST film churning industry in the WORLD …. But the masala *sigh* remains the same !

Ek ladka ….ek ladki …their love ..and the “zaalim duniya” ( cruel world )

A huge MANSION where the hero lives .

The heroine dresses in designer clothes no matter if her character lives in slums

Add dance..some social message …sex … comedy…in the end it’s all about “pyaar ki jeet “ ( the victory of love ! )

I never felt this fact until I became acquainted with Hollywood movies .

The very basic difference … they make SENSIBLE movies …they pick up ideas from INTELLIGENT books to make up something with a purpose ….or if not that …at least something in touch with reallity .

Look at our Bollywood .. Rajni sir … Aamir Khan …*sigh* even Shahrukh and Amitabh . Start acting your age !

Or at least start acting with people of your own age ..

Turn over to Hollywood …Anthony Hopkins … George Clooney … Robbin Williams …*aaaaaand yes * Meryl Streep .

All of them might have a few grey hair In the temple …but they just ooze sexiness . unlike the wig-clad , black-dyed heroes here … y ? coz they carry those white hair with grace …

It’s not like Bollywood is not up to the mark . Look at some of the ( ok..most of the ) old movies “umaro jaan “ , Guru dutt classics , mother India , Guide , Joker ,Mughale Azam … ah ! the list in endless ….

Even these days ….v r making some good stuff ….”taare zameen par “ , “peepli “ ,”swades “ , “black” …..are breaking the conventional mould .

But the change is slow ..and the ever present “masala” picturein aren’t helping the scene .

It’s so absurd … There is a good book . The Hollywood people read it . They make a movie on it . We see the movie …and COPY IT !

Why can’t we read the book and take the first step ??

Maybe … coz the book does not contain any “dared-disco” plot ? ;-)

"KEEP IN TOUCH" ?? oh yeah ...

“hey ..do stay In touch”

“I’ll call you “

“dood …. I am gona keep an eye on you “

Simple phrases … meant to be emotionally touchy …makes u go so “gooey gooey” from within  ! Ah , so many people …so many promises …. So many “pacts” made .

And the end result ? poof ! vanished In smoke …

( yes , I’ve been reading Danielle steel …you can see the aftermath on the writing )

So , there was a time when I wanted to KEEP IN TOUCH with people . Call them , find out what are they up to . Any new girlfriends ? boyfriends ? both ? What new obsessions did they acquire ? any new thing “try” ki ? Lost anything yet ? ;-)

After a while …the calls dwindled ( from my end obviously …. There weren’t any from that end in the first place anyways ) and thereafter the excitement dwindled too .

So , welcome to the new age world . People drift off …. Become mysteriously busy …keep a track on facebook  …and when they finally meet face-to-face ( or accidentally bump into each other…MORE LIKELY ! ) , utter the magic words …

“arre yaar ….tum toh gayab hi ho gaye “

“you just disappeared ! “

And I ( or most of us are like … ) “yeah right ….I did ! u finally noticed , huh ?“

So much for bitching … a startling fact that hit me a few days back was that that not everyone had followed the trend ! There are still people I am “in touch “ with , who are regularly updated …or vice versa about the evil deeds beign committed ;-)

So , should be just conclude that “the world is a bad bad place ? don’t get emotionally attached ? “

Or can we dig deeper ?

Nah ..the world isn’t that bad ( although I am fast at work ..i promise thee )

The people who do care always stick to you gluteus maximus …call u just like that and indeed keep up d pacts .

Cheers …to all those weirdos around me …. And probably around you all too !

Ooooooooh…the rest of the crowd . it was a pleasure vanishing from your sight …trust me :-D

( esp. dedicated to Wilhelmina ; sonu ; shivangi ‘mirchi’ ; Saumya ‘my babe’ ; “p” sanya , slutty sister ;  vancha ; jazz )

THE GREAT INDIAN CRITICS

Ah ! the commonwealth games ! they have finally arrived along with an air of enthusiasm , overcrowding , and dilli ‘sundari-fication’

Did I miss something ?

A HUGE highly talented ‘predominantly sleeping’  miniature journalists !

How many articles have we seen about the ‘corruption’ involved in the games . And in case you aren’t an avid paper reader …. How many dear little status updates ??

One little question ,”What are YOU , my dear lil delicate darling …sitting in your fat couch and typing with your sausage fingers …doing about the entire thing ? “

Nothing ? oooooooooooh…then y don’t u SHUT UP !

The problem is an old one …and like an opportunistic infection ( yaaaaaay …I study pathology ! ) comes up whenever given a chance .

“India mein traffic jam … I dunno when will the public improve “

Reflection : How many times do look for a free spot on the road so as to save the parking ticket cost ?

“India is so dirty man ! “

Reflection : How many times do u eat something in the car and throw it outside the window ?

“India is so corrupted “

Reflection : fine ! The next time you get caught …pay the actual fine rather than slipping the “sau ki patti” ( the hundred rupees note )

“India ka kuch ho nahi sakta . Nothing can happen to india “

Reflection : Thanks to you .

The point is …. Either get up and have the courage to change something . Or shut up and bear it . noone is asking for your ‘expert’ opinion .

We all know apna India is like this only . Love it the way it is … and start by changing things at your level …not “screaming” things at your level !

Jai hind people ! :-D

ANGEL ON MY TONGUE !

Next time you are in front of the mirror …. Practice saying this chant

“I do not like mr.so-n-so”

“Mr.so-n-so irritates me to the core !”

“Mr.so-n-so is a proper #$!$!@$!@$ ”

Yes , you might stumble ….( but you wings will be there to support you ) . Or you might say it properly . The point is the next time you try saying this In public you might ..MIGHT …say it openly .

Yes , welcome to the new age world of polite speaking …. No negative-talking …and thinking positively about everyone ( And you wonder why the sales of bird feathers and white garments has gone up ? )

It’s not that people have stopped disliking each other ( he he he …want further proof …put two girls together fro a few days and see )  . They suddenly become tight mouthed when it comes to accepting the fact … replacing it with “politically correct” phrases ..

“Yeah …he’s nice only…but he isn’t my type “

“no ..no… I like her …. I would love to get to know her better “

“He’s not that bad…. Who said I dislike him ?  “

“please ! there is nothing wrong between us . We just don’t gel very well together”

* false “lock jaw” smile with batting eyelashes *

So much for diplomacy !

So , this “holier-than-thou” crowd earns brownie points by keeping negative

Talks at bay . And what about the negative emotions darrrling ?

As much as I love back-stabbing and back-bitching …my advice is do

 blurt it out at times ! It’ll keep a little irritation out of your haemodynamic system . How difficult is it  to say ,

“I don’t like him…so I keep away from him/her “

One sentence …. A lifetime of peace . !

( and maybe a smaller time of enemies and ‘those’ stares . but then cumon ! We can always stare back )

PS – for the list of people I don’t like … contact me personally :-D

WOES OF BEING "SINGLE" !

( DON’T JUMP …it’s NOT about relationships )

q. “how many siblings do you have ? “

I – “ummm..none “

Mr.x - *smirk* *mysterious annoying smile* oh I see !

SEE WHAT ??????????????

There is this myth ( nah…it will pass for LEGEND ) about single kids .

1.They are quiet , unsociable .

   Really , I have seen quite the contrary ! all the kids I know are actually more interactive and socially adaptable ( oh cumon …. Look at MEEEE ;-) )

2.They can’t share .

   Yes , I can vouch for myself . But then again …it’s not some set rule ! anyone can be selfish . ( wana take the risk ??? try asking a girl to share her make-up kit )

3.They are spoilt .

   Gimme a second please ! *banging my head on the wall*

   Listen …If your parents are busy , lienent and you were born with a platinum spoon up  any body orifice of yours …you’ll be spoilt. If you were raised under semi-millitary rule and made to give reasons and pampered with a chappal/wooden stick/ear pull/good old ‘thappad’ you won’t be . clear enough ?

4.They are over-protected !

   Read the above paragraph again …it depends upon your parents jackass ! and your genetic make-up and your school …and a lot of other crappy psychological factorrrrs :-)

So , the next time you know someone is single … don’t jump to conclusions . Talk to him/her ….flirt … gossip a lil with them .. ask them about the things they love ( if it’s a HER ) …or u can discuss movies , games , politics , war aaaaaaaaand sex ( yeah …boys officially rock ! )

It’s so painful for us to get sidelined . And that too so soon ! At least give us a lil time to show all our single bratness ( is that a word ? ) to you ! We are not that bad …you know ? plus if we find you adjustable enough …you might get a little out of ALL the love and money that our parents throw on us ;-)

*sigh* The world and it’s prejudices !

"MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE..."

Yes , I confess guilty . ( as if you people didn’t know it )

But …. Here I am trying to justify this subtle , sophisticated and witty art  ( ok ! in case of some amateurs… loud and tacky and childish ) .

The first moral question : is it BAD ? evil ?

Hell no ! oh cumon … what’s more fun that giving you friend “that” eye movement or a sarcastic smile and the spicy words whispered behind hands..into ears .

I mean , you can’t help it ..some people literally carry boards on their foreheads ( though you’ll need that special “evil” vision to see it )

But then ..alas ! some don’t ! and that’s when you should draw a line .

For example ( ahhh …here I go again )

->making fun of a fake accent ( so cool ! )

making fun of someone’s English just coz they haven’t been to a “kaanvent” school ( lame ! )

->someone wearing crap and showing off ( rubbing my hands…”oh yeah ! “ )

    Someone wearing something decent just coz they are that way ( NO NO NO )

->someone boasting at breakneck speed ? ( they are asking for a speed breaker ..go ! )

   Someone actually trusting you and  telling you their problem..no matter how funny is sounds ( awww..cumon… who does that ? )

->doing it to people in public just coz you are jealous of them ?? ( yuck , ask you mirror …does it shout ‘looser’ ? )

So , the next time you indulge in this creative pastime . Keep something in mind …we make fun of people who ask for it .

Who need it …who are literally screaming ,”no ..no…Give it to me “

First advantage ..you might earn some browny points from my friend up there and second , you’ll prevent yourself from looking like a loser . There’s a very thin line of difference between making fun of people and ending up making fun of yourself !

Remember … “your chilli packets always taste better when you put them over extra cheese pizza…spray them on dry bread and eat.. they’ll only burn your mouth “

What a metaphor ! I love myself :-D

THIS KID I KNEW...

There was this kid I knew …
Really stupid he was 
All he wanted was love, love love
And that too without any cause

He’ll go around standing outside
And wave at strangers walking past
Laughing , jumping , hugging
Until they responded at last

Stupid jerk … he knew nothing at all
He’ll love whatever came by
Until the day … when he came back home
And I knew he was going to cry

It took him a long time to figure out
Those kisses were actually bites
The bruises just appeared later
And the sting made him cry at nights

My heart bled for him
And I took him inside 
Guarding the door myself
While he sat there and cried

Ah ! I protect him so well
I hit at strangers and stand tall
I throw their stuff back at them
So fast that they have to crawl

He’s sad inside ..and lonely
But I must hide him from view
Search within yourself guys
Maybe this kid lives in you too 
…………… Maybe this kid lives in you to

"YOU'RE BACK..HUH ? "

Remember the time when we sat
You held my hands , making me tremor
cuddled me and promised heartily
We’ll be like this forever and ever

Ah ! I was In bliss baby 
A short one , though 
You snatched your hands 
I fell , so strong was the blow

I tried so hard to hold you back 
Dazed …I coaxed and pleaded
You left nevertheless , head high
I closed my eyes , until the pain receeded

I thought I’ll die..so intense was the pain
Yet , I opened my eyes and stared
There were people around , smiling
As I lay there ..with my heart bared

I got up…and stumbled at first
Slowly..painfully started limping
It took some time …but I did walk 
and now I run..no thought of stopping

look at me , I stand embracing life
You taught me how to bear it all
Guess what ? I bounced back 
Stronger than before the fall

Ah ! I spy something
Your shadow…lurking around
I look at you ..and then smile
Get lost ! there’s nothing here to be found
…nothing here to be found 

"no more friends , huh ? " ...PARRRRRTY !

Instant coffee …instant pizza ..instant popcorn …instant *** … and presenting before you …. “INSTANT BREAK-UP”

“you didn’t call me … bye . We aren’t friends anymore”

“You talked to her ( the word talked carries the viciousness of ‘smooched’ )…bye !”

“you called me a @#!@$!%!# …bye ! “

“you cancelled my plan / didn’t praise my dress / flirted with my dog … blah blah “

End result ? no more friends anymore !

My response “Screw you….muuuuuuuuuah”  !

Seriously ..if you depth of friendship is so shallow that stupid things like these give you facial puffiness …take an anti-inflamatory drug and go to hell !

The point is …not to get WORRIED !If you give in for the first time … they immediately assume you are vulnerable and then ( consciously or subconsciously ) start using that as a weapon . And then small small things give you radar signals

“she didn’t smile at me this morning “ ( toothache ? bad breath ? hangover ?)

“he didn’t leave a seat for me” ( maybe he wanted a change of view ?)

“I called 3 times he didn’t pick up ! “ ( potty ? sleeping ? umm..other boyish activities ? )

“She never talked to me …she was looking In the opposite direction !” ( maybe she didn’t put her make-up ? has a new pimple ? forgot her eye lens ? )

The point Is …don’t give them “bhaav” . Now you’ll argue … they are my good friends ..I’ll lose them …oh cumon ! how does it matter if I put my ego aside this time ? …you can do this much for friends ? “

Oh gimme a break … ! ( during which …you can settle the halo on your head )

If they are your “good” friends…why the hell are they giving you this behind-the-back-emotional shit . why not talk face to face and clear the air ??

And the “ego” ?? before putting yours aside … just remove your rose tinted glasses and see the big huge mammoth sized ones your friend is hiding behind :-)

Babagiri begins …the funda is “screw people who try to make you unhappy “ . People with so much of attitude problem need to get themselves checked . And they will …don’t worry ….there will be always others who’ll show them the right shoe….oops ! …light , I mean !

PS : . Although in some cases , I plead guilty too …though I promise I am  trying to curb my primal instincts ( did u imagine a jumping monkey ?? or is it only me who does that whenever this phrase comes up ! )

THE MASK I WEAR ....

I looked into the mirror and sighed

Raised my mask to my face

One last deep look at those eyes

And then the hideous mask went into it’s place

No , the mask wasn’t scary

Infact , it had a permanent brilliant smile

But it was rotten within , stinking

Suffocating me all the while

I walked along the corridor

People smiling , chattering all around

They shook my hand , hugged me

The sheer intensity made my heart pound

For , they were talking to the mask

And I waited for someone to pull it aside

But bad luck  , it looked so realistic

Besides , who wanted to see the face inside 

As I crawled onto the stage

Millions of lights , the audience all around

I performed , the mask in it’s full glory

I danced , till my feel reddened the ground

The applause that came

As the mask took the bows

The slow  death I felt

As my soul took the blows

The “I” in here can be you

Can be me , can be any poor soul

The masks we use on stage

To make our empty selves whole

         ….make our empty selves whole .

GOSSIP on the menu ...

Oh yeah ... sue me people

I love gossip and I can’t lie

The shivers it sends up your spine

The way it makes your heart beats fly

Whispered in ears , with cupped hands

Passed in class , as a tiny little note

The sheer fun of cuddling in bed

With a phone to make your ear roast

It’s hot and juicy at times

Some just brighten your days

Shocking the hell out of you

Or maybe“Oh yeah…I knew it always”

You should know how to serve it

Churn malice ,drama and facts into a paste

And if you still find it a bit bland

A few masalas of your own will add to the taste

Oh yeah ! some hypocrites say it’s wrong

And try to divert you from you goal

When the truth is .. they all love it

Honey ! it just cleanses you soul !

Who just broke up ?

Whose fling has gone how far ?

Whose double timing their partner ?

Who was seen in whose car ?

These tiny details…ahh so yummy

When time sort of  freezes

Those blissful hours of bitching

When you tear a person to pieces

Oh I love gossip and I can’t lie  ..

Call me whatever you wish

We are all the same … cumon !

We love the same spicy dish ..

      We love the same spicy dish :-)

KIDS on Idiot bow...but WHOZ the IDIOT ?

Half pants , full pants , shirtless , in chaddhis ….the uniform might differ ..but they have done it ! Conquered the idiot box …

Even since I have returned ….and placed me and my tummy in my favourite position ( where you can reach both the food and the remote ) I’ve been surfing the channels . Thanks to my absence , I can’t follow the saas-bahu sagas …the only choices left are news , reality shows and sports . Indian team crushed the last option … do not talk about the news channels please . A swift glance at the morning newspaper in the loo..errr…bed gives me more NEWS than the “hamne khabar pehle dikhayi” reporters !

And now my dear…the most dreaded option . Yep ! Indian idol …some stupid crappy dance shows and emotional attyachar rule the scene right now .

And guess whoz dancing ? The teeny weeny monsters …who will start crying their lil brains out if you shut them in a dark room . And that’s not it …add to it “encouraging” parents and teachers …and man ! You can ALMOST touch Rakhi’s  standards .

On a more serious note….it worries me ! Nah..the word is “scares” me . The other day there was this 9 year old dancing on some crappy remix . And that dance wasn’t meant for kids , trust me .

It’s evil…seeing them crying …and the cameras focused on their tearful faces . The whole nautanki that they do when they win , or to butter the judges . ( oh plsss…you can so see that it’s all scripted )

And I ask myself , do they really need it ? at such a young age ! Yeah yeah….I know the entire idea about bringing out the country’s talents but dude…. This isn’t “bringing” it out…it’s “selling” it and “making money” out of it .

And what happens if they don’t get the trophy ? Go check out Macauly Culkin…lindsay lohan …Micael Jackson . How many child artists live a happy life ahead ? The innocence is being replaced with “professionalism” . Maybe it’s time we sit and think where to draw the line when it comes to “entertainment” .

DELHI ...a city , an adventure :-D

Yep , as I leave Dilli darling this time …I fell in love with it all over again .This city’s got IT ..don’t ask me to explain what that “it” is ..coz I can’t ! You know despite the sweltering heat , the bheed-bhaad , the pot bellies and melting make-ups …people are happy …there is a lightness in the air which makes you immediately welcome . So much for praises , before you think I have gone off balance ..lemme get back on my usual ‘stuff’

1.Dilli di crowd – oye hoye ! ok... The girls ( *sigh* ) ..only 2 sizes available . XS or XXL .. nothing in between . The XS ones looked bleached ( dunno if it’s the make-up or the original skin tone ) . The xxl ones…yaar ! ya toh kamar andar kar lo , ya skirt lambi kar lo ( either put the tummy in ..or wear longer skirts ) . The aunties …uff ! the  glittering make-up ( dood …in Delhi , it’s omnipresent ) …the vadde-vadde purses , the dyed hair , the head-to-toe matching salwar suits . Oh ! that was our “desi” aunties..the “angreji” ones … aunty !!! you know you get clothes in your size , right ? no need to borrow your daughter’s ;-)

2.Dilli da khana – [ CAUTION : do not read this if you are in some north-indian food deprived place ] . wait …lemme clean my keyboard . My saliva dripped down again . Paranthe…bhature…chaat…sohan halwa …kulche…God ! I menna say you must have eaten this food everywhere …but they do SOMETHING to the food here . And there is no need to tell you dat my jeans just got an inch tighter ..

3.Dilli di language – Dood …I just love the hinjabi ( hindi+Punjabi ) that they speak here . It’s so hearty ..so lovable ( ummm…once you take your respected mothers and sisters out of it ) . it makes you connect instantly . Although not like our Lucknow’s tahzeeb waali hindi ( yeah  right …shoot me ! I am biased ) . Par ji …koi gal nahi …tvadi language bhi best hai ji :-P

4.Dilli di metro – Three cheers to Sheila Dikshit ! now I know why has she been choosen thrice ! dude …the metro rocks ..it looks sexy ..cheap ..and so totally convenient . And it’s been like ..how many ? 3-4 years and almost the entire Dilli is now connected with it .bravo ! now it looks like our country’s capital . Ummm..although if you think traffic jams would have lessened ..he he he …go out on the streets and you’ll think twice before taking your gaddi out again ;-)

So much for Delhi … I go back to my dear old Lucknow … I daresay I have not even touched the surface in this article …this was just an observation of a few days . Love ya dilli …..can’t wait to explore more in the future ;-)

DID YOU MISS ME ?

Namaste , adaab , welcome , vanakkam ….to the new blog !! Yep , I’ve been slumbering for some time . Blame it on exams ( second ) and the sweaty , hellish , lungi-folding summers of Chennai ( first ) .
Oh , but I haven’t been all down …The blog has undergone creative re-creation ( sorry , “renovation” is just too middle class ! ) . Would LOVE to hear your comments upon the new look ( good …or bad …or sarcastic ) . Oh , there have been a few changes …lemme inform you of them …
1. ummm….look towards your left …scroll down …yep ! now all you lazy weirdoes can check you horoscope right here . And it’s pretty accurate ( self-tested )
2. don’t look at the timing next to the blog heading …it’s screwed up .chamaar thing shows AM instead of PM and vice-versa . I know this is a pretty lame thing and a negative one ..but my OCD is making my fingers type it
3. oh ..and sadly the “cool..interesting..funny” waala bar disappeared ! Been working my ass off ..but apparently it dosen’t wana come back .
Ummm ….hee hee …I LOVED seeing you little clicks over there . it kind of boosts up my courage …not to mention bring a 10000$ smile on my face . so , what you can do is …click “like” on fb if you like the article …or just comment in one word as to what you thought of the article .
Remember , “those who are short on appreciation …become short on libido in old age “
- Akshay Baba !
And …finally …I AM ON ! get ready for more spice in your hot-sweaty-boring-roj roj ki life . PS :I missed you all too …. A lot :-D

HIBERNATION ...

bye bye my readers , for some time ( don't feel sad ...ok ! ) .Let me battle the Chennai summers and the exams together ....will get back as soon as both these monsters are dead . Chao !

CLUBBING...COLLEGE...MY IMAGE !

THE SCENE ( replayed umpteenth times ) :
Other person : “how many pubs have you been to” ?
Me : ummmmmmmmm…none
OP : What ? ok..clubs n all ?
Me : ummm…I don’t go clubbing or pubbing
OP: oh ! ok
I can see it …crashing , falling , zooming towards the ground . What ? my image people !

Welcome to the 21st century college crowd . most of us are totally into maintaining our “image” . It’s all about “I am so cool…aaaand…oh ! You are not”
Now you would wonder how can one calculate one’s “COOL QUOTIENT” ?

Simple ! look at these questions below …
1. Do you have a gf/bf/both ? Are you committed ? over-commited ?
2. do you go to clubs/pubs/dicoes ?
3. Do you bunk college to go to cool places ? (Eg: movies , beach , party ....blah blah )
4. Do you own “BRANDED” stuff ?
5. Do you come to college in vaddi-vaddi cars ?
6. Can you talk for half-n-hour on sex/drugs/cars/angerji songs ?
7. Are you a non-virgin ?
8. do you have dirty long hair and can play guitar ?
9. do you own tight mini skirts and can put on so much make-up that your skin starts reflecting ultra-violet rays ? ( only for girls … this one )
10. do you abuse after every 2 lines ?
11. do you hold a record when it comes to smoking/drinking/doping ?
12. have you ever been so talli that you puked over yourself ?
If the answer to any six of the above is yes ….congrats ! Thou art blessed my child . Welcome to the “COOL” category ….if not , don’t worry , am here to console you .

I don’t get it . it’s sooo OK with me if you wana splurge on beers and dance and cigarettes .Your …oops ! you dad’s money ..your wish !
But for God’s sake don’t boast about it …
“God …I wore a skirt …it nearly ended near my pelvis “ ( this is to avoid using dirty language …please get the meaning )
“I got so drunk …I went on the streets and danced with beer…blah blah “ ( oh ! is that why you smell like that ? )
“clubbing is so fun…I danced with so many strangers “ ( honey …if only you think a bit practically ….you can earn money out of it ! )

So to all of us “uncool” people …Look and learn you fools ! Practice the fake smiles ..and cool expressions ( the V sign , the smirk , the pout , the middle-finger , the “cheers” with glass in hand , the cigarette-smoke one ) for photos and pray that we get into the hi-fi society one day ….*sigh*
PS : till then....just keep looking at these baboons and have a good laugh ( EVIL SMILE ):-D

OF KIDS...DEVILS...AND DARWIN !

Yep…surrender…bow down…lower your weapons . There is no use fighting . They have done it !
While we were busy finding girl friends , chatting on our phones , fighting with our parents , learning new vocabulary , buying new games/bikes/cars/mobiles and coming to terms with our “teenage” …they were EVOLVING ..and how !
Yes , darwin’s concept of “survival of the kaminest” ( ummm…he used some angreji word …but this one is more apt here ) still stands true . B’coz our younger generation has certainly adapted themselves better for the upcoming years .
They are smart , they play ( not just one game…practically the entire Olympics list ! ) , they study ( and get marks … ) , they are confident ( may I use the word “OVER” for some special cases ? ) ,they go for debates ….plays…quizzes …( yeah , you know the list ) and still….( yep ! hold your breaths people ) ….DO NOT GET STRESSED …still manage to find time for sleeping , eating , cartoons , troubling mom( and us ! ) and doing mischief ( people with younger siblings …my deepest sympathies are with you )

Remember when we were kids
1. All we knew in English was , “ my name is …” ; “ I study in …” ; “my father’s name is … “ . If asked anything else we’d look blank and try to hide behind our mummy ..
2. The only game we played was gali-cricket , catch-um-catch , vish-amrit and house-house ( ah...See, I never forget you ladies ! )
3. Exams meant learning everything under mummy’s gaze ( and chappal in my case ) and then writing the same answer or essay no matter what came in the paper ( some of us still adhere to the policy ;-) )
4. who knew about debates and quizzes ….going on the stage ONCE ( n that too…in a group ) and saying a poem was such a feat …mummy bragged about if for YEARS !
5. phone ? phone ???? we got sooooooo happy if one of the calls were for us ! It made us feel so IMPORTANT ( see…mummy , mera call aaya )

But , these brats…errr…baba log do it all ! I still get red in the face when my brother finds something in my mobile menu …which I didn’t even knew existed . Only the other day …he fixed my computer ! ( I still suspect he kicked it to make it work ..but anyways , the credit goes to him gentlemen )
My sister already has an almirah full of certificates and guards her award money with her life ! me ? I am so thankful to mom for saving all the books I got as prizes ( including Goldilocks ) . Besides being the batch topper …she can write the character analysis of any character from “dil mil gaye” and “balika vadhu “ ( SIGH….girls !)

I dunno how , when and why did we escape this evolution phase ? Anyways …You rocks Mr.Darwin !
And don’t get upset….at least we still got opposable thumbs :-D

EMBARASSED kya ??????

God , my dear gave us 7 basic emotions…
Happiness , sadness , fear , jealousy , surprise , anger , disgust
READ it ? read it again please …there is no emotion beginning with “E”

But yet we have it ?
“hey bhagwaan….don’t talk so loudly …people are staring “( let them…we can’t do anything if they are so jobless ! )
“you are going to wear that … ok ! ummm..”( I am not going naked…I just wana try something funky … )
“don’t behave like that “ ( ok …mummy/daddy …I won’t suck my thumb now )
“for heaven’s sake..someone will see “ ( oops…remind me to get my invisibility cloak next time )

Oh yes…they’ll become red in the face…try to look towards the side …and walk a lil bit away from you . don’t feel offended buddy….they don’t DESERVE to walk with you !
I DON’T GET EMBARASSED ! period .
Why ? because the people you are going out with are your FRIENDS . No matter how weird they act …in the end they care for you . They took out their time to come and walk with you ..eat with you …talk with you .
How does it matter , I ask ? What if people are staring at you ? let them..what’s the maximum they’ll think …
“no manners “ ( the basic manners include respecting people’s privacy …you are soooo going and peeping at them .. mr.mannerisms ! )
“how uncivilized …how uncoooth…some blah blah “ ( seriously aunty …we aren’t camping in your house…relax ! )
“they are so weird !” ( oh ..that we are . Compliment accepted )

Those people are STRANGERS .They’ll never see you again..maybe after 5-10 minutes never think of you again too . But the mad , crappy , loud , obnoxious people with you are going to be there when you are TOO EMBARASSED to show your face to the world . So , next time , you feel embarrassed by staring strangers ….do what I do . STARE BACK AT THEM :-D

PS : to that category , who act loud to gain attention or prove how COOL they are ..ignore them … that’s the biggest embarrassment you can throw at them ( n they need it too…trust me )

PS : if you want anti-embarassment training , you can come and roam around with me for a month…trust me , you won’t get embarased by anything after that ( free of cost ) :-D

Who wana grow up ? NOT ME !

“Beta …grow up !”
“you are older now…you can’t do that”
“stop being kiddish”
“act your age mister”
The next time someone says any of this to you…look at them seriously…nod your head..put out your tongue …do “tttthhhhhhhbrrrrrrrrrp” …and RUN :-D

Yikes ! I am soooooooo tired of people lecturing me . What’s your problem Mr.i-grew-old-so-quickly ? Why don’t you get your teeth taken out and get a denture if you are so keen to act “your age” !

I don’t get it…maybe I am being childish ( wait a sec. ….isn’t that the moral of this article ? ) but I DETEST doing “grown up” things :

1. Act serious …wear big glasses ..nod when elders talk some serious politics stuff…and jump on your bum when they offer you a responsibility ! ( we can soooooooo be responsible AND HAVE FUN at the same time …)

2. Don’t crack silly jokes…try to UNDERSTAND how tough/sad/tragic/constipated life is ! ( yeah….we know it….hello ! we are just trying to make it a bit lighter )

3.No more DEMANDING stuff …leave good stuff for your juniors ( my foot ! those rascals are 100 times more smarter at getting stuff than we EVER were )

4.Set an example for your younger brothers/sisters/the entire “mohalla” / your extended family living in Pakistan ( as if …these kids only make fun of us these days…or use us as someone to put the blame on ! )

5.don’t act foolishly outside ( again …show the tongue …do “thbrrrrrrrrrp” …we are ENJOYING…duniya gayi tel lene ! )

So , my dear friends….let’s pledge that we won’t GROW UP .As it is …the world is short of laughter and craziness these days ( well..if you watch Ekta kapoor and Rakhi …that’s a different area altogether ) . let’s just stay this way…chuck seriousness and MATURE behaviour into the bin . let the younger brat…ummm…kids know that we are the SENIORS …they better respect us …we had already done all that while they were pissing in their huggies ki chaddies !

AHHh…..the sheer pleasure of sucking an orange bar LOUDLY …of singing songs on the roads …of eating golgappas while our mouths burn ( don’t forget the ‘hichki’ )..of watching tom-n-jerry …of joking on people behind their backs…of slapping friends on their backs ….
Let the snobs ( read pre-term grown-ups ) …wiggle their noses and make faces . Baby , we are toooooo kiddish to notice them :-D