So ,I
finally passed mbbs ( Finally = 4-n-half years ) . And donned a white coat
,stethoscope , my TopBall 100% smooth ball point pen ,and jumped into the field
.
P.S.
1.For
more visual effects . Add BR Chopra’s ‘Ath Shri Mahabharat katha’ track in the background
. And imagine me as the ‘Kung fu Panda’ . Or , Hannibal Lecter will do too .
2.Also , I
know a ‘Mont Blanc’ pen would have looked so good in the opening sentence .My
b’day in coming up in March . Get the hint !
So , if you
think that sitting in a small government hospital , on the outskirts of Chennai
is fun . Think again . It’s SUPER fun .
Provided you
have a sense of humour . And , a tube of odomos !
The
Injection Phenomenon
As one of my
friends said , “When they are kids ,all of them are scared of injections . When
they grow up , all they want are injections”
Yes . From
headaches , to fever ,to pimples ,to itching ( and I am not elaborating upon the
locations ) to ‘appetite loss’ . The omnipresent , sanjeevani-booti of
injections !
Sometimes ,
it’s like a ‘family injection vacation’ . Hamara sukhi injection parivaar !
And you
cannot argue . If you do , they’ll take out their past records ,and show you
the number of times they have received the same , and survived .
The senior
nurse also gives in . “Kudunga doctor . Regular patient”
So , there I
sit . Writing one injection after another . Mercilessly . Watching cute lil’
innocent kids burst into heart rendering sobs ,as I finish writing the
prescription .
And their
moms and dads , smiling as widely as
Voldermort .After he had retrieved the Elder Wand.
The Regular
Patient
Ekta Kapoor
must visit out local hospitals . She has touched upon every vindictive pleasure
our Indian housewives indulge in ,except this .
The joys of
taking tablets for free . Oh ! Going to the doctor ,and lamenting over the
exaggerated moans and groans and oohs and aahs !
 |
| illae sir . not like this . |
So , this 80
year old dadi comes in . And , gives us a full description of her ailments .
Headaches , stomach aches ,body pain , sleeplessness ,gas , loss of vision .
Also , a masaledar version of how her daughter-in-law tortures her , and all
her kids are up to no good .
The nurse
goes and stands behind her , puts out her tongue and makes a ‘she is cracked’
face! Finally ,the lady takes a vitamin injection , gossips with the nurse
,sleeps on the bench .. and happily walks off .
The 80 year
old guy , who asked us if he could take his tablets with his regular dose of
daaru . Kind of re-established my faith in humanity ;-)
Then , there
is this lady who came in alone on the first day , with her daughter on the
second , son on the third , and husband on the fourth.
Add that to
the regular group of people who happily sit outside the hospital and chat all
day . And there , you have a ‘kitty club’ meeting .
I mean , the
hospital’s there . The fan is there too . So are the medicines . Might as well
get away from home , and have some fun . Eh ?
PS – The
ubiquitous ‘gas problem’ that India has … We could’ve run all of Hitler’s ‘gas
chambers’ all by ourselves !
The ‘not so
regular’ patient
“Main tera
khoon pee jaoonga , kutte”
I think it’s
high time we let Dharmendra ji lose on the streets of India . And let him be
the Edward Cullen to all those nasty mongrels biting people out there.
So many dog
bites , cat bites , rat bites , scratch from the bull’s horn ,bite from another
guys’ teeth ( No ! No ! Don’t go there . Not love bites).
The lady who
used to get scratching at sharp 6pm every evening .
The old lady
who had some ‘gadbad’ in her stomach ( I used up all the symptoms from pain ,
to cramps to distension to indigestion . But the ‘gadbad’ remained a gadbad )
Add to that
,the aunty ji who shouted at us when we told her to go get checked for TB ( and
then stormed out , in full glory )
And the
Bihari guy who came with ,”Bhaiya ji , dhaar kamjor ho gayi hai (My stream has
become weak) “
Ten minutes
of the most embarrassing conversation I have ever had ( Funny / Try giving ‘sex
education’ in hindi . You’ll feel my pain )
Aim ,inject
,shoot !
Ah ! The
joys of actually giving an injection .
Of squeezing
muscles , pointing and injecting those miraculous drugs in there . Except that
, it’s a bit tricky .
The
injections splatter on your face ,most of them drop on your hands ( And trust
me , darling ,you don’t know what ‘pungent’ means until you have smelled Vit.B
complex )
The patients
moan at times ,shake it when you ask them to stand still . Glare at you
afterwards ,stand outside and gossip about how ‘slowly’ you amateur doctors
give it .
But as they
say , practice ( and hard-heartedness ) makes one perfect !
And so life
goes on . Entertaining patients ,entertaining doctors ,tons of injections
,loads of medicine . A smile here , a tear there . And , my dear old
stethocospe
If you want
to see a sexy doctor ,next time .You know who to call . Consultation charges
apply ( lots of love ,and an earful of gossips )
- Dr.Akshay Singh
