The doctor's first month

So ,I finally passed mbbs ( Finally = 4-n-half years ) . And donned a white coat ,stethoscope , my TopBall 100% smooth ball point pen ,and jumped into the field .

P.S.

1.For more visual effects . Add BR Chopra’s ‘Ath Shri Mahabharat katha’ track in the background . And imagine me as the ‘Kung fu Panda’ . Or , Hannibal Lecter will do too .

2.Also , I know a ‘Mont Blanc’ pen would have looked so good in the opening sentence .My b’day in coming up in March . Get the hint !

So , if you think that sitting in a small government hospital , on the outskirts of Chennai is fun . Think again . It’s SUPER fun .

Provided you have a sense of humour . And , a tube of odomos !

The Injection Phenomenon

As one of my friends said , “When they are kids ,all of them are scared of injections . When they grow up , all they want are injections”

Yes . From headaches , to fever ,to pimples ,to itching ( and I am not elaborating upon the locations ) to ‘appetite loss’ . The omnipresent , sanjeevani-booti of injections !

Sometimes , it’s like a ‘family injection vacation’ . Hamara sukhi injection parivaar !

And you cannot argue . If you do , they’ll take out their past records ,and show you the number of times they have received the same , and survived .

The senior nurse also gives in . “Kudunga doctor . Regular patient”

So , there I sit . Writing one injection after another . Mercilessly . Watching cute lil’ innocent kids burst into heart rendering sobs ,as I finish writing the prescription .

And their moms and dads , smiling as widely as  Voldermort .After he had retrieved the Elder Wand.

The Regular Patient

Ekta Kapoor must visit out local hospitals . She has touched upon every vindictive pleasure our Indian housewives indulge in ,except this .

The joys of taking tablets for free . Oh ! Going to the doctor ,and lamenting over the exaggerated moans and groans and oohs and aahs !

illae sir . not like this .

So , this 80 year old dadi comes in . And , gives us a full description of her ailments . Headaches , stomach aches ,body pain , sleeplessness ,gas , loss of vision . Also , a masaledar version of how her daughter-in-law tortures her , and all her kids are up to no good .

The nurse goes and stands behind her , puts out her tongue and makes a ‘she is cracked’ face! Finally ,the lady takes a vitamin injection , gossips with the nurse ,sleeps on the bench .. and happily walks off .

The 80 year old guy , who asked us if he could take his tablets with his regular dose of daaru . Kind of re-established my faith in humanity ;-)

Then , there is this lady who came in alone on the first day , with her daughter on the second , son on the third , and husband on the fourth.

Add that to the regular group of people who happily sit outside the hospital and chat all day . And there , you have a ‘kitty club’ meeting .

I mean , the hospital’s there . The fan is there too . So are the medicines . Might as well get away from home , and have some fun . Eh ?

PS – The ubiquitous ‘gas problem’ that India has … We could’ve run all of Hitler’s ‘gas chambers’ all by ourselves !

The ‘not so regular’ patient

“Main tera khoon pee jaoonga , kutte”

I think it’s high time we let Dharmendra ji lose on the streets of India . And let him be the Edward Cullen to all those nasty mongrels biting people out there.

So many dog bites , cat bites , rat bites , scratch from the bull’s horn ,bite from another guys’ teeth ( No ! No ! Don’t go there . Not love bites).

The lady who used to get scratching at sharp 6pm every evening .

The old lady who had some ‘gadbad’ in her stomach ( I used up all the symptoms from pain , to cramps to distension to indigestion . But the ‘gadbad’ remained a gadbad )

Add to that ,the aunty ji who shouted at us when we told her to go get checked for TB ( and then stormed out , in full glory )

And the Bihari guy who came with ,”Bhaiya ji , dhaar kamjor ho gayi hai (My stream has become weak) “

Ten minutes of the most embarrassing conversation I have ever had ( Funny / Try giving ‘sex education’ in hindi . You’ll feel my pain )

Aim ,inject ,shoot !

Ah ! The joys of actually giving an injection .

Of squeezing muscles , pointing and injecting those miraculous drugs in there . Except that , it’s a bit tricky .

The injections splatter on your face ,most of them drop on your hands ( And trust me , darling ,you don’t know what ‘pungent’ means until you have smelled Vit.B complex )

The patients moan at times ,shake it when you ask them to stand still . Glare at you afterwards ,stand outside and gossip about how ‘slowly’ you amateur doctors give it .

But as they say , practice ( and hard-heartedness ) makes one perfect !

And so life goes on . Entertaining patients ,entertaining doctors ,tons of injections ,loads of medicine . A smile here , a tear there . And , my dear old stethocospe

If you want to see a sexy doctor ,next time .You know who to call . Consultation charges apply ( lots of love ,and an earful of gossips )

- Dr.Akshay Singh