Friday, November 18, 2011

A northie's guide to attending south Indian weddings ;-)

Dedicated to all North Indians who visited a Chennai marriage and kept thinking all the while , “Where’s the actual marriage bey ? “

Ok ,let’s get this straight .
North Indian marriages are all about dance , drinking and checking out ‘maal’ .
South Indian marriages are all about hogging ,hogging and hogging .

So , when you did receive the decorated marriage card ,the first question in your mind would be “What to wear “
Seriously ,who cares .
If you wana look ‘different’ , wear something ‘non-white’
( Just put on a white shirt or kurta and you’d be lost between all those uncles with STARCH white vetti-satta , well oiled moustaches and the gold chains . )

You might also wana take sun goggles . All that kanjeevaram silk  ( tamil mamis brigade ) , the shimmeing salwar-suits and the gold chains can cause a bit of glare in the light ;-)

So , my advice is .. put on something decent and (hopefully) plain .
 ( yes my dear , all your glittering sherwanis , achkans and ‘baraat’ suits can take a back seat please .In south , you need to be looking decent macha )

The very entrance can confuse you .
Instead of the “Pinky weds Tinku  “ glow signs that you are accustomed to , you’ll find huge posters with ( maybe ) the bride and groom’s picture somewhere .
The rest of the poster will be covered with macho looking musclemen type uncles . Please do not get confused , they are not from either of the families .
 And that old uncleji on the wheelchair  with huge goggles on .. yeah , he’s definitely NOT the great-grandfather .
And sometimes ,the docile omnipresent Amma will be welcoming you with folded hands too ( BEAT that Air India ! )

Inside , as your eyes will instinctively search for the ‘bar’ and the ‘disco floor’ . You might be a tad bit disappointed :P
Instead , look around . There will be a classical singer somewhere ( if it’s a good enough marriage ) , and ( I hate to stress the point again) no ! she’s also not one of the relatives .It’s not one of our marriages where the mami/chachi/bua/mausi will jump to the stage to show off their *cough* talents !

Go ahead ,on the stage .
Now THAT will look familiar . Stand , click a few photos .
Your friend ( bride or groom ) will be looking extra happy , permanent smile fixed on their faces and shaking hands as if you just gave them their dream job  !

So , when you come down and get over the light flashing in your eye you’ll be like “bhai , ab kya ?”
Look around ,you’ll see a huge crowd moving in one direction . go on , follow it !
The insides of the hall ( with it’s long parallel tables and people eating like there’s no tomorrow ) just might remind you of Hogwarts main hall .
That is , If you can replace stew with ‘kolambu’ , Pumpkin juice with ‘butter milk’ and Cornish pasties with ‘mysore paak’  ;-)

Just sit down and wait for the banana to appear . Ask for as much as you want . And tension mat le , they’ll WAIT for you to finish before rolling the paper .
The best bio-degradable enviourment friendly method ever !
No dirty plates , no fighting over buffet ( but trust me , there is no greater pleasure than pushing through a throng of hungry people and grab that last piece of paneer on your plate )
But like I said , in south people are decent yaa :D
*for more rules of eating , refer to the last blog * !

With that done , you might as well walk out quietly .
The bride and groom will still be standing in the same position ,no use going and saying “Bye da . Enjoy panna “ ;-)
Or give any other dirty advices that you have in mind .
Actually , chuck that . Think of yourself in that position one day and you’ll turn around on your heels asap !
But …
They’ll catch you at the door . Don’t get frightened . You didn’t do anything .
( It’s NOT that hot girl’s dad whom you were checking out desperately )
Just an innocent ‘return gift’ ( as if you hadn’t stuffed well enough already ).
Smile at that unknown uncleji .
He’ll hug you ,smiling full on all the time . Ask you if you want more packets ( Don’t be besharam .. Control your freeloader instincts for once  )

And then before you know , Amma is bidding you bye-bye again ! :D


  1. Great job!(just logged in with google+)

  2. Nailed It.

    ps-Insiders info.Minions work hours under "wedding managers" to get that purrfect combination of coconut,rice and sweets to handout as return gifts.true story.

    pss-People actually appreciate the classical be damned! :D

  3. Yes , they do macha ! Welcome to Chennai :D

  4. You are so cute and Northies and Southies dono ke le le apne descriptions mein-no wonder i call you my small wonder!:-)

  5. "Your friend ( bride or groom ) will be looking extra happy , permanent smile fixed on their faces and shaking hands as if you just gave them their dream job !

    gawd!!! we laughed our hearts out over this blog.. in office.. and people were glaringggggggggg at us..!! This had happened once before while reading Suruchi's blog!! you guys have a knack for this.. awesome stuff!!

    BTW,just fyi, i am a south indian ;-)

  6. OMG ... Now that goes up as one of the best appeciations I've ever recieved :D :D

  7. i donno what to never aware of the south & north issues untill i started doing a job where d majority are Northies..Since then i could not stop hating them for their biased behaviour and overconfidence.
    im just gng through ur blog and was just thinking..very nice writer..he is.
    And all of a sudden i find this post..What to say.
    Just think, uvejust seen one or a few weddings in chennai..not from the whole South India. By the way..ur blog posts are really just going down.. Anu

    1. Oh . I know those type of North Indians .

      Lol ! I love Chennai though :)