A northie's guide to visiting a South Indian household ;-)

*Dedicated to all those north Indians who visited their friends for pongal and left with a weird feeling inside * :D

Let’s make it clear at the outset :  visiting a South Indian household is not like going over to your Pammi Aunty ; Bittu uncle or your chachi /mami / ‘apna yaar’ ka ghar .

If Sarvanan/Arun/Ganesh/Karthik/Karthikeyan/Murugan/Bala pats you on the back and says , “Aye vaa da .. come over to my house machi”

Or any mixture of Lakshmi and Priya ( cumon … LakshmiPriya ; Hjaripriya ; maniPriya ; KanthaPriya ; SriLakshmi ; PriyaDarshini ; DhanaLakshmi ) peer through their glasses and coyly ask you ,

“Vaangu pls . My amma is making Sakar pongal . You will like it very much “

You are in for a test of your character , discipline , sincerity , manners and your ability to stuff your “amit”ness in your mouth .

First lesson , you know how you usually walk up to your bed and sometimes just fall asleep with your shoes hanging by the side of the bed ?

Ok , not allowed . You will see a pile of shoes outside the house . Keep them there .

Your friend won’t say anything . But he/she will do it themselves and then slowly walk in , very slowly .

And don’t worry , nobody will steal them ( it will take time getting used to that )

Step two , you will probably be introduced to the grandmother first .

Bend at your waist and do a proper ‘vankaam paathi’ or just fall at her feet .

She’ll scoop your face in her hands and talk something  in tamil , all the while smiling at you . Just nod and smile back and say “ama ama .. nalla irikae . Nandri paathi”

Then she’ll wave her hand at the dinning table , DO NOT go there first . Let your friend lead you .

You’ll be introduced to other family members next . All of them will be so nice and polite to you and shower you with such attention that you’ll begin to feel suspicious .

( Remember how your friend’s mum back home would shout at your friend first . But she’ll throw accusing angry glances at you ?)

The dad will ask you about ,

“How is studies going ?” .Say good

“How are you liking Chennai ? “ . Say good .

“How is everyone back home  ?” .Say good .

Tell aunty , “Rangoli is very nice aunty” ( Before that , CHECK whether they made it that day or not )

BROWNIE POINT : Bow your head before the temple in the house . The paathi will LOVE you :D

Then when you are finally in your friend’s room , you can breathe a sigh of relief .

But remember , not too loudly .

Yes , the very fact that people are not shouting from one room to another can be a BIT unnerving for a north Indian . But you’ll get used to that .

Five mins. in your friend’s room and you’ll be called over to eat .

RULES OF EATING A MEAL :

1.Everyone will be staring at you and smiling . Don’t feel creeped out .

2.Don’t ask for a spoon , unless it’s been kept . Everyone will go about as if India declared an emergency , and you’ll feel guilty .

Plus , they’ll give you a new spoon for every course from then on .

3.Let aunty or your friend serve you for the FIRST time . Make it clear that you DO not want their help . It will come handy later .

4.Mix whatever is given with the rice . Save rasam for the last and crush the ‘aplam’ ( yes , the thing that looks like ‘paapad’ ) over the rice .

5.The uncle/dad/grandfather will give you some advice about how to eat what . just follow it .

6.When you ask for a second helping , tell aunty to STOP when you see have your fill .

Trust me , feeding a guest is like showing affection in the household .

And with that much of affection , one might puke :D

7.Never praise a dish to the skies . It’s automatically assumed that you have been starved of that delicacy since your childhood .

And they’ll compensate for all those years during that one dinner :D

Once you survive the eating exercise , be happy .

You’ve just been accepted as a part of the household . The granny feels happy that her duty has been done .

And aunty feels happy that you haven’t felt the ‘lack’ of anything !

And uncle feels awesome that he has taught you a few south Indian customs .

While going out , follow the entry procedures ( reverse order ) . Say “thanks” as many times as you can .

And keep the smile going . You have emerged a hero ! :-D