NO , seriously man ! ST.O.P moaning …
Let me clear the air first , I am not talking about crying over here .Crying I repeat ..is good ! it drains you and clears up your over stacked brains !
I am talking about the particular class of people who love to cry on..and on..and on !
“my girl friend left me …..baaahaaaa…sob sob ( quiet ) aaaaaaaa !”
“I failed ……( hanky out …nose blown …and then …)waaaa…uhh..uh…waaa”
“my this broke…that broke….( yep…u fill the blanks , m running out of background scores “
I mean to say…they REVEL in it ! the girl friend left 1 year back ( maybe it wasn’t even a gf….free mein paise uda raha tha bechara ) ..but they are still wiping the tears off their eye lids . modern day devdas(es) !
Well , at least …devdas drank n stumbled in some naali and kept QUIET ! they will cry on the fone , on the net , in college …and the expression ! ahhh….as if they are going as a martyr to kargil ( ummm…some have a constipated look too …but leave it ! )
And then they’ll say , “no one talks to me …I am so alone . The entire world’s a bitch ..( yes …1 …2…3…orchestra ! )” . Now you only tell me , who will want to stay with such a RONDU ! ( ah…I can’t help slipping in that term )
Well , sorry to give my “babagiri” lectures ….NOONE is interested . Half of the people are listening out of politeness ( and that lasts for only the first 100 times ) …the opther half ( yes ! you have heard this one …) are GLAD !
Seriously , noone gives a damn . So unless you turn into kalidas out of grief and produce something good enough …you aren’t really making a good use of time , my boy !
And now on to girls …. They my dear , have EVOLVED ! they cry ..but only till it’s useful …after a time they find a new boyfrie….errrr…object of fascination . Oh , but the memories are kept handy , and can be produced whenever required ( with the tears and sobs added…free of cost )
And in case you actually wana know how to use it to your advantage ...watch “rakhi ka swayamvar” ..you’ll master the art perfectly !
PS : As one of my critics pointed out ..I have tried to minimize the use of exclamation marks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Declaration : This is an ORIGINAL work . It has taken a lot of research ( not to mention a lot of high-heel kicks on my gluteus maximus ) on my part to have finally come out with these complex mysteries of life .
PS :the “M” line indicates the hidden meaning :-)
1.”Nice dress” (to a boy )
M: Now I’ll hav to find a shirt like this for my dad/brother/husband/bf .
2.”nice dress” ( to a girl )
M : Bitch ! I should be wearing that .How did she get one before me !
3.I haven’t studied ANYTHING ( the last word is dragged out to empathize it )
M : I have done my 3rd revision but I am not sure if it is enough or not !
M : I so enjoyed your bitching …but I am too prim and proper to accept it !
M: Every word I just said is true ….you BETTER get the meaning mister !
6.”I am ALMOST done”
M: take a pillow and sleep …I just did the first layer of make-up !
M: Ok , now I know you are the guy whom I can do all my jobs for me .
8.”I slept off a day before the exam”
M: I accidentally fell asleep at 2 am ( after the 2nd revision )…and I am feeling so guilty about it !
M: I loved the naughty flirting you just did !
10.Did you really mean that ? ( for a compliment )
M : PUMP IT UP .She loves hearing more about what you just said ..
11. Did you really mean that ? ( for a joke you cracked on her )
M : STO P ! that’s her insecurity point …do not say a word more about it .
12.”I’ll think about it …ok ? “
M : I am going to make you wait , until you change your opinion about the matter
13.Who’s that friend of yours ?
M : EITHER she’s interested in him OR she’s making you “J”
14.Should I tell you something ? don’t tell anyone …
M: some HOT bitching coming up !
15.”I dunno…I am just not feeling well “
M : Ask me “WHY “ ? I wana cry /moan / tell my problems to someone !
16. “oh no…what happened ? You can tell me “
M : come on….i am bored . Gimme some gossip
Precaution : be careful about what you say .She’ll use it against you one day :-D
17.”listen , can I call you later ?:
M : I am soooooo avoiding you mister . Get the HINT !
18. I think you mom is right .
M : she is CUNNINGLY sucking up to you . They know guys love girls who approve of their moms :-)
19.”you’ve got a nice smile/hair/nose/ear lobe ….watevah “
M : either she is actually interested ( 5% chance ) or she wants to have fun seeing that STUPID smile light your face ( calculate it …95% )
20.I love you
M: Pack your bags , fold your trouser/lungi …and RUN for your LIFE !
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Someone asked me this yesterday , “who’s your FAVOURITE writer ?”
Usually , I say “all of them”
But this tiem I sat and thought ….9and there was a loooooooong list to go over) when it suddenly clicked ….ladies and gentlemen …the GENIUS …Enid Blyton !
Ok …going back to class 6th ,Akshay Singh read ONLY hindi books ( yeah…ok…ok..I was afraid I wouldn’t understand English ! ) when our dear librarian threw this book over my head ( “bloody…sale read something . You kids don’t read at all !” Ahh ! We miss your dialogues so much ma’am )
And it was called “secret seven” …I opened up the first page …then the 2nd and then it went on an on ….the seed had been sown ( to put it in hindi …”mere andar keeda ghus gaya tha “ ) .
You have to give it to her man ! Noone writes it like Enid Blyton !
Ahhh….those cycle rides , the outdoor camping , the clubs , the badges the ginger beer and the cakes …the adventure and the moon lit nights . Ah ! you started the book and you just couldn’t put it down . Noddy ..the wishing chair…famous five…secret seven …the mystery series….St.Clare’s …Malory towers .Pages and pages of magical story telling . Anyone who has read them knows what I am talking about . We all had dreams about going there and being with them .
Given a chance I’d still prefer an Enid Blyton over all the crap kids read these days ( twilight … eragon …narnia …blah blah ) . I was surprised to know that she was a female ( I am not being a sexist…it was a pleasant surprise ! ) ..and her original name was Darrell Rivers , she suffered from Child abuse when she was a kid and didn’t have a good childhood . There was a controversy a few years back regarding her books ( they were sexist…why did only girls do all the work ? and apparently the names .”dick” and “fanny” communicated wrong meanings ! )
To all those who think of all this crap . The dirt is in your brains , u pigs ! To us Enid Blyton fans she’ll always remain this friend who taught us how to dream and introduced us to a whole new group of friends …BOOKS :-D
I salute thee !
Thursday, March 18, 2010
PICTURE THIS :
“A two feet high chinky guy is walking on the road..a scrawny cat jumps from the tree in front of him..he screams …and jumps 5 feet high …his balls pop out ( the eye balls …I mean ) and he gives the cat a (ninja+Jackie chan) style kick …”
At this point my brother bursts out laughing and I shake my head .I look at him ,then at the TV and then at the calendar …nah ! It’s not 2012 , we are not going to die ! Apparently this is what kids watch these days ( and we wonder what is happening to the present generation )
Yes , people …remember the good old days of Disney and cartoon network . The 6 to 7 “Disney hour” …Aladdin ( I confess I had a crush on jasmine ) ..Gummy bears ( my personal favourite )…duck tales (Launch pad’s plane….uncle Scrooge’s ‘tahkhana’ ..hewy dewy lewy ! ) …tales pin ( ballu …pantar and madam mahalingam ) …little mermaid ( sebastian’s bak-bak ….the king’s “trishul” and the mermaids …muuuah ! )
….and Not to be forgotten , goof troops ( I LOVED the title track ) !
And when Disney wasn’t there ….CARTOON NETWORK !( one of the earliest war topics between me and mom ) . All guys know they watched “POWERFPUFF GIRLS” one time or the other ( I’ll kill to see the mayor’s secretary’s face dude ! ) … “DEXTER” !!! ( ooooooh….wass that button ? Don’t touch it Dee Dee ! KABOOM ! ) …FLINSTONES ( have a yabadaba …flinstoreee …sorry can’t remember the title track ! ) …MASK ( I know some of you sick people actually tried some of the stuff shown ;-) )…ADAM’S FMAILY ( click …click ….loved the finger snapping ! )….SCOOBY DOO ( one word …..muuuuuuah ! ) …and and and and ….TOM AND JERRY !
Ok , so before nostalgia sets in big time I’ll call you people back to 21st cenrutry . yuck …welcome to “SHIN CHAN” …”POWER RANGERS” ….and “NINJA HATOORI” .
Please do not ask me the details they are too disgusting to divulge . Here are a few interesting observations ..
1 .most of them are “CHINKY” .This is Japan’s new way of winning the world . Start at the base !
2. They are either fighting , screaming , jumping or popping out their eyeballs .
3.They are OBSESSED with saving the world ( thanks “A” for that detail )
4.Most of them have devious plans ….which are carried out inside the house only
“why don’t you add two sleeping pills to mom’s tea…then we can go and play !”
“I will kill my mom ...tomorrow I will remove the car breaks before she leaves”
“why don’t we go and steal his bag…and rip off his note books ?”
PS : the first one gave my aunt a heart-attack . Fortunately , my brother hasn’t carried it out as yet .
5 . They are so violent man ! No seriously , tune in to this channel called “animax” …you’ll die of shock
6.a few of them involve love stories too…so slicky it’s like a perverted version of Enid Blyton books ( again …thanks “A” )
So , the next time you see your bro or sis watching this ….make sure either you stop them ( HAHAHHA ….as if ! ) or run out of the room yourself ( at least , don’t pollute your happy Disney/CN memories ) !
Thursday, March 11, 2010
“Hiii…wassup? pata what happened ? I was …blah blah…blah …blah “
I would love to give you the entire “spicy” conversation ( at least my friend INSISTED that it was spicy … )I plead ignorance , I fell asleep after the initial 2 hours .
Yes ..ladies and gentlemen , we are talking about the PHONAHOLICS..they treat the phone as if there is no one on the other end … pick up the phone and you are DEAD .
They will start off with their morning schedule …carefully detailing the directions in which their tooth-brush went …the way they fit their gluteus maximus into the toilet seat …moving gracefully on to what they wore and how their buttons got stuck ( and the complex way in which they faced the challenge )….and that my dear is just the starting …
By the time they come into their full form you’ll feel like cracking up Graham Bell’s grave and putting the phone inside his skull ….or a more practical solution , shove the phone up the person’s …ummmm….throat !
I have a feeling if you actually listen to the 4-5 hours long opera and take down notes you can easily trace their family history back to the Devonian period . The worst ones are ….
1.The ones who’ll call you in the bathroom ( I have soap in my hands , the phone might slip and hit my ….ummm…feet n you are still TALKING ! )
2.The ones who’ll call you when you are on the verge of sleeping ( I was feeling so warm n cuddly before you started complaining about your friend/girl firend/ pet/bhaaji waala )
3.The ones who’ll lose track of what they were saying but still won’t keep the phone ( dood …it’s been 15 mins. And all you’ve said is ummmmmmmm )
4.The ones who’ll be on the VERGE of saying BYE …and then start off again in full force ( ok…yeah…bye…wait wait , u know what ? …..)
5.the ones who’ll want your advice …and then spend 20 mins. Telling you why are you wrong ! ( Please please …leave me…I promise I’ll never give anyone any advice again !)
6.The ones who’ll keep on talking even AFTER you’ve told them that you are BUSY ( arre..ek min. …just listen to this last one )
NOT TO WORRY ….here are some cunning , clever and self invited ways to save your tympanic membrane …
1.If you know that the guy is a phonaholic…DON’T PICK UP THE CALL ..simple !
2.Put the phone on “mute” and keep saying “hmmmm…hmmm” after every 5 mins.
3.Put the phone away and respond only when he/she stops talking …say something like “really ? “ “achcha …tell me more “ “ok…I didn’t get the last bit”
4.take ruffles’ lays’ packet ….crush it near the mouth piece and shout “bad connection…bad connection “
5.My battery is going …going…gone !
6. be shameless and cut the phone ! tell them your connection/network/set sucks .
7.shout “aaaah…aaaaah….aaaaaa” , tell them you are having a heart attack and you gotta call your doctor ( make sure you moan correctly …some of those perverts mistake the moaning for something else ! )
May the Lord keep your tympanum healthy and functioning . Amen !
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Confession : I was a sceptic myself . All that I am going to write is something I have discovered for myself by experimentation and observation .
Caution : I am in my “pravachan” mood .
Source of inspiration: “the secret” . one of the BEST self help books in the market . If you can’t afford the original version , go and get the duplicate one from Pondy bazaar or Aminabad . Trust me , it’s worth the money !
Ok , chuck positive thinking . For all you know , it’s one of the “big” “intellectual” type of things that people love to lecture on ( something like aura , aatma , karma , moksha etc. etc. ) . Analyze this : How many hours do you spend complaining ? being “J” of others ? seeing others and MOANING that you don’t have this..and that ..and and blah blah !
How many times do you say this “There is nothing happening to make me happy . Kis baat pe khush hoon ? “ . You wait for something …let’s say
“I’ll be happy if my gf calls/ if I get so many marks/if I get my i-pod , car , bike , movie ticket /if I get this to eat .“
So , once you are done musing over this ….I think there is basically NO REASON to be happy . but that dosen’t mean you shouldn’t be happy ! It means you should be happy ALWAYS . It’s not that difficult ….and noone can actually do that , but let’s just …for formality’s sake …TRY ?
Another thing …stop complaining !
“my job sucks …my boss is a doppelganger of Miranda preistley”
“My college sucks ..the crowd is so tacky”
“my family sucks. ..they just don’t understand anything about me”
“I don’t have a gf…booooohoooo”
“:my figure/face/voice/hair/complexion sucks “
Seriously , STOP MOANING ! noone is interested .The more you focus on your deficiencies , the more prominent they become in your life .
One of the exercises they tell in the book is actually good . Make a list of things you are THANKFUL for . Trust me , it’s therapeutic ! You’ll feel happy after seeing it .
I don’t wana go deep into the “visualization” stuff …but try imagining happy happy things . Things you want to happen , things which will be good for you . And ( according to the book ) it will happen if you believe in it strong enough .
PS: Remember “om shanti om” ka dialogue . “agar app ….dil-o-jaan…poori kaaynat..blah blah “
So , in short be cheerful , try smiling always , do things which you like and think bright and happy . If something troubles you , instead of complaining about it or crying about it …stop THINKING about it . I am on my way of trying this out …you also join in . And tell me if something good happens :-)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Time : 7:51 PM
Place : Delhi domestic airport
Condition : bored , sleepy , bursting with food
Caution : this work is the child of boredom …so be ready for a lot of nonsense blabbering
Yep , my flight is at PM …and I have been warming my gluteus maximus for the alst two hours in this place . I spent some of my b’day money ( smart relatives give you moolah …so that you can invest it your way :-) ).My current book is on ‘dharm and mahabharat’ and although it is interesting , there is a limit as to how much of it you can read in a day . Other than that , I have been admiring my tummy ( oh for God’s sake , I am coming back from holi . I deserve one . ) and staring all around ( Dilli ki crowd = yummy )
There is a “corporate” type dood talking into his blackberry ….one auntyji is having a raging battle with her “chhotu” .. the cleaner is sweeping the floor and a totally “hungry-for-days” uncleji is hogging on KFC burger .
I am sooo tired …noone weird enough to go and communicate with . I have totally assumed my “dehati” posture . Sitting on the chair cross legged , chappals removed , scratching my head from time to time and my tummy rolling around carefree .
So , the b’day is over . I got a LOT of wishes and I was soooooooooooo happy ( just to clarify …I still am ) . Let’s see …. I like to think that my new year begins form my b’day ( logic – by the time 3 march comes I have not completed any of my new year resolution…so might as well start a new new year ) . Got a lot to do , lot of planning ( usually I get tired with that only ) , lot of work and lot of self improvement ( provided the psychiatry dept. is ready to see me ) . life is certainly GOOD …but let’s strive to make it BETTER . What say ?
Ah ! with that miraculous statement my laptop battery has bereft me …so , I must bid adieu . Chennai here I come ………
PS : Delhi airport is seriously sexy nowadays . Cheerio !
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Hmmmm….time does pass quickly , huh ? I have been talking for 21 years now . Let’s see , what all do I wana say today ….
I LOVE MY LIFE . My friend up there has already overloaded me with so much that I cant really ask him for more .
Let’s just pray that I stay like this forever ( except in the tummy region ! ) and continue spreading laughter , joy ( oh for Christ’s sake ! who am I kidding ? ) , gossips , unending crap , break-ups and pranks on Earth . Amen !
PS : I love my b’day !